


Kinesics

by MyThoughtBubbles



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BAMF Umino Iruka, Body Language, Fuuinjutsu Master Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi Is Trying, Hatake Kakashi is so Done, Humor, Iruka tends to Kakashi's wounds, Kakashi has chakra depletion, Kakashi is Touch-starved, Kakashi is smart but dense, M/M, Tsunade is evil, What else is new, seals master Iruka, violence as seduction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:34:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28101003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyThoughtBubbles/pseuds/MyThoughtBubbles
Summary: Iruka ignored him and glared at Kakashi. “Hero worship? Really?! I thought I was being so obvious! Do you know how much shit the guys gave me?”Kakashi squirmed. “Iruka, I don’t think this is the time—”“And then I thought you were just messing with me, but you were flirting back!”The nin bristled. “Oi, I’m still here.”Iruka’s jaw twitched.“Kekkai Hōjin!”The tags fell away and chakra surged in the blades, spearing through the ground to connect with two other kunai already embedded in the dirt. The edges of the square lit up, swallowed the nin whole, and detonated in an expertly controlled explosion. A mist of red was all that was left inside the invisible walls of the barrier. “Kai!”Holy shit.Through his pain, Kakashi was amazed. He’d have to remember that one. “In my defense, I’m half-dead.”
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 26
Kudos: 514





	Kinesics

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by my senpai [HazelBeka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazelBeka/pseuds/HazelBeka)

Something moved in his peripherals.

Kakashi’s eye flickered to the right and he threw his head back as a blur of polished metal narrowly missed him, the kunai splitting the air where his face had been. _“Oh shit.”_

“Another Leaf bastard? Tch, you guys are like rats.” The nin dropped out of the trees and brandished another kunai in a swift twirl.

Kakashi excused his split-second delay in recognizing he was being attacked as a byproduct of the bone-deep weariness from his chakra depletion. That, or the fact he hadn’t slept in days; the pain in his ankle had become permanent and a few of his ribs were preparing to puncture a lung, but more importantly, he wasn’t on a mission and had no idea who the nin was.

Kakashi regarded him with a dark scowl. _A Stone hitai-ate? Is Konoha fighting Iwagakure?_ “Listen, I’m not in the mood. Fuck off and you get to live another day.”

The nin sneered. “You’re injured and barely standing! You think you’re too good, huh?” The nin’s foot dug into the ground and his left shoulder inched back and Kakashi sighed.

With venom, Kakashi blocked the predictable downward strike and sank his own kunai into the nin’s throat, deep enough that he wasn’t concerned about him getting back up as he yanked it out. He wiped the blade as hobbled away from the body.

“I’m getting too old for this,” he grunted under his breath, his ankle sending another jagged spike of pain up his leg. “I’m not even doing anything— _are you fucking kidding me.”_

Kakashi couldn’t excuse the misstep of catching the next kunai by the blade, biting down on a hiss as he launched it back into the woods where it had come from. A startled yelp told him his aim was still accurate and Kakashi grinned maliciously, his killing intent finally clueing in and numbing the pain of his injuries. He collected the feeble amount of chakra left in his system and channeled it into his hand, shifting his weight to the balls of his feet.

“C’mon, give me a reason,” he growled, rolling his shoulders and eyeing the forest.

Another nin sprang out from the trees, armed to the teeth with shuriken and explosive tags and Kakashi’s killing intent sputtered out in a dry cough.

He gawked. _“Iruka-sensei?”_

He saw the moment Iruka recognized him; doe-like eyes widened comically and his mouth made a perfect ‘o’ of surprise as his arms dropped to his sides, offering no defense whatsoever.

“Kakashi-san?”

 _Expect the unexpected_ , Kakashi thought ironically. He dispersed his chakra and raised a hand in a salute. “Yo.”

His gaze zeroed in on the cut bleeding sluggishly on Iruka’s cheek, the edges reaching from the corner of his mouth to his ear. Dragging his gaze down, he noted no other injuries but it was clear the sensei had been in battle. He looked back up and was wary to find Iruka offering him a wide smile and relaxing his guard further.

“I didn’t expect to run into you out here,” Iruka said, drawing near.

“I take it you were chasing the Stone-nin? He’s back there.” Kakashi jutted his thumb behind him. “Hope you didn’t need him for anything.”

Iruka glanced past him and grimaced. “No, not alive, anyway.” He cocked his hip out and smoothly stored his weapons. “Ambush. We’re on return from escorting pompous lords around Fire Country.”

“Pompous?” Kakashi arched his only visible eyebrow. “Speaking ill about our clients? Careful, sensei, or I’ll have to report you.”

Iruka looked alarmed for a moment until he picked up on Kakashi’s teasing and rolled his eyes. “I mean it in the kindest of ways,” he muttered, glancing down and rubbing the back of his neck. “Are you on a mission, Kakashi-san?”

“Returning.”

A small frown line graced Iruka’s forehead. “You’ve been gone for two months. It seems Tsunade-sama wants to keep you busy.”

“She thinks I threatened to eat Ton-ton,” Kakashi clarified, off-handedly calculating the last time he’d interacted this much with Iruka. Outside of the typical Mission Desk contact, it had been the Chuunin Exams incident and before that, Kakashi had been his squad leader on a failed mission.

Iruka’s head shot up. _“You did what?”_

“I only said I wanted pork and if the pig was around, it wasn’t my fault. Anyways,” Kakashi said as he moved forward without a falter in his step and patted Iruka’s shoulder, “keep up the good work, sensei. I trust that your report on the mysterious death of the Stone-nin will be excellent.”

Iruka’s lips pursed in what Kakashi thought was close enough to be a pout. “But Kakashi-san, _you_ killed him, it’s your responsibility to...ah, I guess I don’t mind.”

Kakashi smiled. “I’m in your debt,” he drawled. “I’ll see you around.”

“Um, Kakashi-san, you’re injured, aren’t you?”

Kakashi glanced back to see Iruka studying the blood on his fingers, the laceration on his face smudged. Kakashi wondered if it would scar, if it would look like the one across Iruka’s nose. “Ah, sensei, that’s your blood.”

Iruka met his gaze and cocked an eyebrow. “Why yes, it is.” He pointed down. “But you’re limping.”

Kakashi didn’t intend to bristle, but he knew for a fact his gait was perfectly natural. He was not _limping._ “No I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. You don’t usually walk like that.” Iruka gestured vaguely at Kakashi. “You’re favoring your right ankle. You tend to slouch more on your right side.”

In the back of Kakashi’s mind, a flicker of suspicion was dismissed before it fully registered. “Do I?”

Under the weight of Kakashi’s deliberately blank stare, Iruka fidgeted and scratched his uninjured cheek. “It’s, uh, something I’ve noticed. When you’re at the Mission Desk. Not that I—”

“Iruka-sensei, there you are!” Another chuunin pushed through the bushes and veered towards Iruka. “Did you find the Stone nin—oh.” He paused for a beat as he spotted Kakashi. The chuunin then bowed stiffly and didn’t move any closer. “Hatake-san, good evening.” When he straightened, he avoided Kakashi’s gaze and hovered behind Iruka.

Kakashi wanted to sigh. “Yo.”

Iruka spoke up. “He’s been dealt with. And the rest?”

“They fled towards the Land of Rivers. Hayase is tailing them but plans to return before dark if he can’t find their base.” The chuunin glanced at Kakashi. “Iruka-sensei, the others are getting ready to set up camp. We should head back.”

“Alright.” Iruka turned to Kakashi. “Kakashi-san, would you like to join us? We have more than enough supplies to spare for the evening.”

Kakashi watched on in mild amusement as the other chuunin’s eyes bugged wide open and jumped from Kakashi to Iruka and back. Iruka sank a sharp elbow into his side and the chuunin pasted on a smile.

“You’re more than welcome to, Hatake-san. We’d be honored if you joined us.”

 _Ha._ “I wouldn’t want to impose,” Kakashi began, already regretting as he tallied up his aches and pains. He was in desperate need of respite.

“No imposition at all. I insist,” Iruka said firmly, offering Kakashi a sunny smile that had him reconsidering.

 _Pushy, aren’t we?_ Wondering what face Iruka would make if he walked away, Kakashi relented. “If you insist.” He was stubborn, but he wasn’t a fool. He followed them into the forest, noticing every time Iruka tried to covertly look at him.

Kakashi was puzzled. Did Iruka think he would run away? He almost laughed. _Not with this ankle._

* * *

Kakashi dropped his knapsack and slid down beside it, using the tree’s trunk as back support.

He took a moment to steady his breathing and unzipped his flak jacket, his fingers reaching inside to gingerly probe his sides. _Fuck_. Two ribs felt broken; the rest were likely bruised to hell and equally as sore. He was in for a rough few days of travel.

Shrugging off the pain, Kakashi eyed the rest of the chuunin bustling around and setting up camp. His tree was situated a short distance away but clearly outside the welcoming circle surrounding the firepit, and whether that was intentional or just a result of reading the atmosphere, Kakashi didn’t bother thinking about it.

He spotted the one that had approached Iruka and watched him, idly gathering intel with no real purpose. Being observant came naturally to him, the skill woven deep into the minute strands of his DNA and honed by years of training. Even without the added edge of premonition with the Sharingan, he had an eye for tracking tiny flickers of body language that revealed everything. The slight twitch of fingers seeking a kunai, the warning flex of muscle from a kick, the souring edge of a smile during a failing negotiation, the tiny shift of weight disclosing nervousness— all telegraphed with the subtlety of a scream.

When covered by his hitai-ate, his Sharingan was a targeted blind spot; Kakashi was bemused no one had figured out his original eye had grown exquisitely sensitive in the years of working by itself, capturing the fractions of seconds before a thought or decision could be hidden or executed.

All-in-all, even with fatigue insidiously muddying his thoughts, it was incredibly obvious none of the chuunin liked him very much. A couple glanced over and flinched when Kakashi cheerfully waved at them. He had to wonder if they were even trying to hide it.

No one had approached him yet, but every once in a while he caught Iruka peering over at him, the only one to wave back so far. It made the night a little less lonesome.

As the night fully descended, Kakashi resigned himself to a sad dinner of ration bars, pitying his digestive system as he dug them out of his knapsack. Huddled around the campfire, the chuunin were now sharing something amongst themselves and whispering loudly. Kakashi considered waltzing over and letting them know that only outside of Konoha was he referred to as the Copy-Nin, but that required too much effort and he dismissed the idea entirely as his other monikers were brought up.

He had closed his eyes and begun to strategize on the most comfortable position to sleep in with two broken ribs when he felt someone cautiously approach. The chakra signature indicated it was Iruka and Kakashi relaxed his guard.

“Kakashi-san, please tell me you don’t actually like eating those?”

Kakashi’s lips twitched. “What can I say, I’m a masochist.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Iruka said lightly. “Can I entice you with something else?”

One eye cracked open and Kakashi found Iruka holding out a simple bowl of steamed white rice and fish. Too surprised to remark on it, Kakashi took the bowl and Iruka smiled at him again, nothing but warmth in his eyes. He headed back to the camp and Kakashi switched to being downright confused as Iruka returned with another bowl and sat beside him, either ignorant or oblivious to the dagger-like stares from the other chuunin.

Weighing whether or not to comment on it, Kakashi’s stomach cramped and he instead chose to dig in. The rice wasn’t fully cooked and the fish was a bit burnt, but it was the best damn thing Kakashi had eaten in months. 

Next to him, Iruka ate in silence. His body was angled towards Kakashi but his posture had grown oddly stiff and he was a bit twitchy, self-consciously touching his scar or readjusting his legs; Kakashi wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it and he gave up fairly quickly.

“How’s the foot?” Iruka suddenly piped up. He set his bowl down and stretched out his legs, leaning back and letting his hands take on his weight. He gave Kakashi his full attention, the light from the fire throwing the genuine interest on his face into stark relief. The slice had been cleaned and taped shut; which chuunin had done it?

Kakashi had to manually tamp down the instinctual suspicion of reconnaissance and mimicked Iruka and placed his bowl on a raised piece of tree root. “Might’ve twisted it. It wants to swell.” Kakashi inspected his ankle and was glad he had pre-wrapped it, the bandages holding up well. It was probably purple underneath and he said so.

Iruka’s tongue clicked sympathetically. “At least it's not broken? For now, anyways. Gods know you’ll end up shattering it before we get to Konoha.” His remark was dulled by a soft, teasing smile that Kakashi couldn’t look away from.

“Are you insinuating I don’t take care of myself, sensei?” Kakashi gave him a slow blink.

“With how many times I’ve seen you hospitalized, I don’t think I can argue otherwise.” The flush on Iruka’s cheeks darkened.

Kakashi exhaled through his nose. “Kicking a man while he’s down? How cruel.”

“I wouldn’t dare,” Iruka said with loaded sincerity.

Kakashi laughed at that and winced as his broken ribs jabbed him in retaliation. He placed a hand over them and fingered the sharp edges. “Ow, fuck.”

“What’s wrong?” Iruka sat up and scooted in, their knees almost touching, and Kakashi went deathly still. “What happened?”

“Broken ribs,” Kakashi said through gritted teeth. “Give me a minute.”

“Broken ribs—? Oh, you idiot.” Fretting for a moment, Iruka left and returned with a medical scroll in hand.

By the time Kakashi carefully shrugged out of his flak jacket and shirt, Iruka had released the seal and was spreading out the supplies. Kakashi reached for the stiff roll of bandages but Iruka grabbed it before he could and gave him a stern look.

Kakashi stared back. “What?”

“What are you doing?” Iruka frowned and Kakashi wondered if he was mad.

“Bandaging my ribs?” Kakashi said tentatively.

“On your own? Just—” Iruka reached towards him and Kakashi flinched away purely out of reflex. A mangled hiss escaped him and Iruka briefly looked wounded. “Sorry.”

 _Aren’t I the injured one?_ Kakashi eyed him suspiciously, waiting for Iruka to do _something_ he could understand.

Iruka offered the bandages to Kakashi. “I can help you, if you don’t mind?”

His energy flagging, Kakashi couldn’t find a reason to turn down the offer and merely adjusted his position for Iruka.

“O-okay.”

Hesitantly now, Iruka crawled in close and Kakashi’s skin prickled with awareness. The last time anyone had been this far into Kakashi’s personal space, the medical nin had nearly shat himself out of a mix of fear and admiration and Kakashi didn’t know which he liked less _._

At the first tentative touch along his battered ribs, heat branded into his skin and Kakashi fought not to inhale and lean into it. Iruka’s hands were fascinatingly gentle and peppered with tiny scars Kakashi knew came from handling fresh kunai. Impressively methodical, Iruka rubbed salve and taped over every nick Kakashi hadn’t realized he collected. Curiously, he noted Iruka’s face burned red the entire time, reaching up to the tips of his ears and down his neck.

It was bizarre to have someone dressing his wounds while he was still cognizant. Usually, he was passed out in a hospital bed or in his bedroom and was none the wiser to whoever was digging around in his body and patching up his mistakes. No one ever _volunteered_ , and with good reason; Kakashi’s reputation as one of Konoha’s elite jounin, whether viewed favorably or distastefully, usually preceded him and the rumors were believed more often than not.

Iruka’s behavior warranted further analysis and out of the deluge of incoherent thoughts his mind was devolving into, Kakashi snatched the most cogent one that made sense at the first pass — _hero worship._ Iruka idolized him and therefore wanted to help. So far, it ticked all the boxes.

The realization was disappointing, but ultimately it was harmless.

Wearily, Kakashi let Iruka poke and prod to his heart’s content until Iruka eventually pulled away after smoothing over a bandage near Kakashi’s mottled clavicle. Kakashi couldn’t imagine doing the same to anyone _he_ admired. Granted, they were all dead but the feeling remained the same.

“That should help some.” Iruka’s smile wavered and his expression grew serious. “You’re in a rough state, Kakashi-san.”

“Could be worse,” Kakashi said dismissively.

“At least you can take it easy tonight.”

“Sure.” At Iruka’s terribly-hidden expectant look, Kakashi’s mind ground out a thought. “Thanks. For the bandages.”

Iruka beamed. “Of course, Kakashi-san.” He dropped all the supplies back into the scroll and tucked it away.

The continued propriety was funny. _“Kakashi._ Might as well drop the honorifics seeing as I’m half-naked and you’ve had your hands all over me. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re taking advantage of me, Iruka.” Kakashi raised a deeply suggestive eyebrow and wasn’t prepared for the fierce blush on Iruka’s cheeks or the wide, guilty look in his eyes. Iruka deftly excused himself and fled towards the camp, the rest of the chuunin judging him in Iruka’s wake.

“Was it something I said?”

* * *

It turned out that not sleeping at all was likely the best position.

After a few minutes of painfully adjusting himself on the shitty standard-issue futon and deliberating the consequences of attempting to remove his own ribs, Kakashi relented and repositioned himself up against the tree. Every slight movement sent a wave of agony throughout the rest of his body and although he was no stranger to pain, it was teetering on intolerable.

“Seriously too fucking old for this.” Behind his hitai-ate, the Sharingan itched and Kakashi’s mood soured further. “Obito, not you too,” he hissed, reaching up to dig the edge of his palm into his eye socket. “Kindly, fuck off.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d mind some company…”

Kakashi ran his tongue along his teeth. If he hadn’t felt Iruka approach, he really _was_ in bad shape. He looked up and found Iruka clutching his futon tightly and hesitating a couple of feet away. He looked like a kicked puppy.

“S’alright, sensei, just talking to myself. I’d love your company.”

Immediately, Iruka busied himself with setting up his futon near Kakashi’s, _far closer_ than the other chuunin had placed theirs around the campfire; he was practically up against the tree next to Kakashi. If it wasn’t hero worship, Kakashi hazarded that Iruka had chosen him as a bedfellow for protection but it only held valid if he wasn’t half-dead and therefore could offer some measure of defense if they were attacked. If anything, Kakashi was a liability and it would be pragmatic to stay away from him.

If it was hero worship, Iruka thought too highly of him. Either way, Kakashi was grateful for Iruka’s company, falsely based or not; the sensei was by far the most tolerable person he could’ve chosen and at the very least, distracting.

Iruka settled into his futon and Kakashi watched with rapt attention as he stripped off his hitai-ate and let his hair free, running his fingers through the ends, which were long enough to brush his jawline. Absently, Kakashi thought it looked good on him and gave Iruka some killer bedroom eyes. Come to think of it, Iruka was actually pretty—

_“What?”_

Kakashi blinked. “What?”

“You’ve been staring at me,” Iruka accused stiffly, tugging on his hair and sending another questionable inference through Kakashi’s mind. “What is it?”

Kakashi thought fast. He tapped his cheek. “Is your face okay?”

Iruka looked surprised and touched the bandage, his shoulders relaxing. “Yes it is, thank you for asking. It’s not deep. It shouldn’t even scar.”

“Good.”

“How’re the ribs? Will you be able to sleep?”

“Still tenderizing my lungs, and probably not unless you’re willing to knock me out.” Kakashi looked at him hopefully and Iruka shut him down with a flat look. “Thought not.”

“I’d rather not unintentionally kill you, Kakashi. Think of the paperwork.”

Caught utterly off-guard, Kakashi burst out laughing and doubled over in pain as his ribs protested.

Iruka returned to fretting. “Oh shit, Kakashi—”

“—fine, fine, I’m fine,” Kakashi rasped and waved a hand, still chuckling. “Ha.”

Iruka settled back down and watched him, his gaze intense. “I’ve never seen you laugh like that.”

“I laugh all the time. Usually at my own jokes.”

“Which are questionable.”

Kakashi’s lips twitched. “Usually.”

Iruka snorted and looked down, touching his scar. “You should laugh more often.”

“Stick around me and maybe I will,” Kakashi said off-handedly.

Iruka’s gaze rocked back to Kakashi and stayed there, searching.

“But you should get some rest, sensei,” Kakashi continued. “One of us has to.”

Looking lost, Iruka nodded and burrowed into his futon. “Iruka,” he said after a moment of silence

Kakashi side-eyed him. “What?”

“Might as well drop the honorifics,” Iruka said, intentionally keeping his gaze straight forward, but the slight hunch of his shoulders and his balled fists betrayed his nervousness. “If I get to call you by your given name, you can use mine.”

“Deal,” Kakashi acknowledged slowly. “Go to sleep, Iruka.”

It took a while, but Iruka eventually dozed off, his front facing Kakashi and leaving his back to the forest. Kakashi scrutinized him critically, wondering about the extent of Iruka’s trust in him to leave himself so exposed. Even the other chuunin slept with their backs strategically placed to avoid any openings for an attack, and yet Iruka had left himself completely vulnerable.

Kakashi felt a smile building at the corner of his mouth. It was almost as if Iruka liked him. The smile faded away as Kakashi followed the thread further. No, Iruka liked the _idea_ of him; they all did. It was just hero worship.

* * *

“Jounin-san, we’re heading out in about an hour.”

Kakashi lazily wondered what was up the chuunin’s ass to keep him so stiff. Kakashi couldn’t even reach him if he wanted to. “How far are we from Konoha?”

“About half a day of walking.”

 _Fuck me._ Half a day of steadily wrecking his ankle and playing chicken with his ribs. “Have you seen Iruka?”

The chuunin’s eyes narrowed a degree. “Iruka- _sensei_ is helping gather water.” He looked at Kakashi’s ankle and flexed his fingers. “Do you need help getting up, jounin-san?”

The mere thought made his skin crawl. “Do me a favor and get Iruka,” Kakashi said, a hint of steel in his voice. He added a wink as an afterthought and the chuunin smiled politely, dropping his pretenses a tad too early as he turned away from Kakashi and left. This one _really_ didn’t like him.

Alone, Kakashi appraised the empty futon beside him. During the night, Iruka had burrowed closer to him and had practically connected their futons into a larger one. If it had been anyone else, Kakashi thought, he likely would’ve accidentally kicked them once, maybe twice if they didn’t get the hint. The fact that it was Iruka...Kakashi found he didn’t mind. Rather, at peak sleep deprivation around dawn, he liked it.

Now, mildly more lucid after an hour of light dozing, Kakashi carefully considered the implications and promptly dismissed them as Iruka popped into sight. “Yo.”

Iruka was flushed, his hair still down. “Uh, Hayase said you wanted me, Kakashi?”

Kakashi smartly bit his tongue. He held out a hand and braced the other on the tree, near his lower back. “Help me up?”

Iruka frowned but dutifully grasped Kakashi’s hand, the contact as hot as fire to Kakashi. “Did Hayase not offer? I asked him to—”

“He would’ve dropped me the moment he had the opportunity.,” Kakashi snickered to hide the trembling in his legs as he stood, grateful he wasn’t blacking out. “Or at least strongly thought about it.”

Iruka winced and let go. He tucked a thick strand of hair behind his ear and set to packing up both of their supplies. “He’s a good guy,” Iruka said quietly, rolling up Kakashi’s futon. “Just...they’ve all heard a lot about you.”

“No need to apologize, sensei, I get it.”

“But it’s not fair.”

“And you know more about me?” Kakashi said before he could stop himself.

Iruka’s hands slowed and his hesitation reeked of a lie. “Not really. Just a couple of things Naruto has mentioned.” He looked up at Kakashi, his chin pointed in defiance. “Enough that it matters.”

Kakashi wasn’t entirely sure how to respond and merely shrugged the shoulder on his good side. “If you say so. But you should know hero worship is blinding. You shouldn’t view me so highly.”

Iruka looked taken aback and gaped at him. “Wait, wait a moment. Is that what you think I feel for you? Are you serious?” He threw his hands up. “Then why the hell were you flirting back?”

“Wait,” Kakashi parroted weakly. “What.”

Then, the faint scent of rain wafted by Kakashi’s nose and not a second later, screams of an attack filled the air and threw the camp into chaos. In one smooth move, Kakashi threw Iruka down and his fingers raced through a series of seals. He slammed his hands on the ground.

_“Doton: Doryūheki!”_

In a dense cloud of dust, a flagging rock wall erupted from the earth and took the brunt of the explosive with a bone-rattling boom. The dust quickly thinned and Kakashi spied the tell-tale blue shimmer of a barrier around them, reinforcing his wall. Impressed, he glanced back and Iruka released the barrier, his face pale.

“Didn’t think I’d get it up in time,” Iruka muttered. “Orders?”

His words gave Kakashi flashbacks. “Whoever was on watch, their ass is mine,” he growled, surveying the battle the other chuunin were engaged in. He dug his fingers into his side, kneading the edges of his injured ribs. “It’s not Iwagakure — I smell rain.”

“Kirigakure?” Iruka armed himself. “But we’re on good terms?”

“Defectors, then, and there’s seven of them. We need _— fuck!”_

They both jumped out of the way as another bomb landed at the base of their tree and exploded. Belatedly, Kakashi realized he had left his copy of Icha Icha Tactics in his flak jacket which was now nothing more than smoldering threads. He seethed.

Hunting down the bomb-happy nin cleverly hiding among the trees, Kakashi summoned a clone and used the distraction to embed a neat line of kunai up the nin’s spine, twisting mid-air to avoid a volley of shuriken aimed at his face.

 _Why is it always my face?_ Mis-stepping as he landed, Kakashi felt his ankle give and he quickly corrected but the damage was done. In the same moment, he tugged his mask down and spat out a load of blood, the subsequent pain making him shudder.

One of the broadly built nins dressed in Stone gear dropped in front of him and drew out two tantō, twirling them in the air in lazy circles. “Well if it isn’t Kakashi of the Sharingan.”

Kakashi offered him a toothy, bloody grin and replaced his mask. “The one and only.”

“I’ve heard about you.” The nin pointed his tantō at Kakashi. “Konohagakure’s famous lap dog, Kakashi the Copy Ninja. The Friend-killer, knower of thousand jutsus, capable of taking an entire village on his own, Hound—”

“I’m amazed you can still breathe,” Kakashi cut in, the nin fading in and out of clarity.

The nin blinked. “What?”

“It’s impressive, considering how much you’re sucking my cock. It takes more than that to get me off, though,” Kakashi said breezily. He reached into his weapons pouch and tugged out a few kunai. This nin was likely a jounin-level threat. “Work the shaft a little.”

The nin flushed. “Your head will fetch me a good bounty. You’re already weakened, this should be easy.” He threw himself at Kakashi, the tantō blades gracefully cutting through the air.

Kakashi picked up on the pattern and calculated his counter move, his bad foot sliding forward. “Ha, I’m never easy.” Metal scraped on metal as Kakashi easily deflected his swipes and sunk a kick into the nin’s ribs, feeling his own slide neatly into his right lung.

Blood burst from his mouth in a thunderbolt of pain and Kakashi retained enough wherewithal to leap backwards and put distance between them. His ankle was an equally white-hot ball of agony and Kakashi dropped to a knee, unable to keep up the pretense as he yanked his mask down and vomited another thick stream of blood. He pressed a hand against his side, a thread of fear seeping into his veins as he couldn’t draw a full breath, his chest constricting.

Kakashi spat. “Fuck.”

He breathed shallowly and filtered through his options, adrenaline wearing off quickly. He couldn’t risk uncovering the sharingan for the second it would take to put the nin in a tsukuyomi with his chakra reserves at critical levels, and any further movement would mean he’d probably lose a lung permanently. His ankle was shot and a swift check revealed his backup stock of weapons had been left in his knapsack. 

All mistakes he wouldn’t have made if he hadn’t been fucking hungry and traumatized a goddamn pet pig.

The nin recovered and wiped the faint trace of blood from the corner of his mouth. He grinned, puffing out his chest. “Already down? Pathetic.” He retrieved his tantō blades and advanced on Kakashi. “Now be nice and stay still.”

Kakashi swallowed. “Or I’m faking it,” he said hoarsely. “Go ahead, flip that coin.” The nin didn’t hesitate and raised his blades in a scissor motion and Kakashi paled. “Aw, shit.”

 _“Hero worship, are you kidding me?”_ Iruka snapped from somewhere behind him and two explosive-tag laced kunai streaked by him and towards the nin.

The nin lurched back and the kunai sunk into the ground on either side of him. “Wait your turn, bitch,” the nin growled at Iruka.

Iruka ignored him and glared at Kakashi. _“Hero worship?_ Really?! I thought I was being so obvious! Do you know how much shit the guys gave me?”

Kakashi squirmed. “Iruka, I don’t think this is the time—”

“And then I thought you were just messing with me, but you were flirting back!”

The nin bristled. “Oi, I’m still here.”

Iruka’s jaw twitched. _“Kekkai Hōjin!”_ The tags fell away and chakra surged in the blades, spearing through the ground to connect with two other kunai already embedded in the dirt. The edges of the square lit up, swallowed the nin whole, and detonated in an expertly controlled explosion. A mist of red was all that was left inside the invisible walls of the barrier. “Kai!”

 _Holy shit._ Through his pain, Kakashi was amazed. He’d have to remember that one. “In my defense, I’m half-dead.”

“What, you never noticed before?”

“...no?”

“I thought you were supposed to be a genius!”

Kakashi coughed, splattering more blood. He vaguely wondered how much he had left and yet retained enough to blush as Iruka continued to glare at him. “On your left!”

“Kazumi!” The nin’s female companion dashed in, her hands running through a gauntlet of seals Kakashi barely caught. “You’re fucking dead!” Up above, a dense cloud formed and a torrent of chakra-laced senbon rained down on them.

Iruka threw himself next to Kakashi, his own hands twisting into a counter seal. _“Fūin Kekkai!”_ A blue dome sealed around them and the senbon sunk half-way through, the contrasting chakra signatures sizzling. Sweat poured down Iruka’s temple, dampening his hair, and Kakashi knew his chakra reserves were likely tanking.

“Hero worship, _unbelievable_ ,” Iruka muttered with a growl. “Kai!”

The dome shattered and the senbon clattered to the ground, Iruka already on his feet and rushing towards the nin. He snatched the abandoned tantō blades and nimbly spun them in his hands, immediately on offense.

Kakashi tensed on instinct, wanting to go help, but his vision blacked out for a second and he didn’t dare move.

It was clear the female nin was skilled in taijutsu, easily evading Iruka’s strikes. Remarkably, Iruka held his ground even as he was pushed to defensive moves, narrowly escaping several lethal blows. The tantō blades flew out of his hands from an angled kick and Iruka blocked her heel with his forearms, his heels digging into the dirt as he slid back from the momentum. She grabbed the short swords and Kakashi knew Iruka withstood little chance of blocking without taking on too much damage.

“Iruka!” With minimal movement, Kakashi chucked two shuriken at the female nin and hissed in success as she leapt back, putting more distance between her and Iruka.

“Thanks!” Iruka summoned chakra to his hands and signed for another seal. _“Fūbaku Hōjin!”_

In a flash of blue, the nin jerked, freezing mid-attack and leaving her body completely open. “What—I can’t move!”

“That’s the point,” Iruka snapped. 

He rushed forward and cleaved one of the tantō through the nin’s throat and up into her skull. It was both gruesome and graceful and Kakashi was starstruck, his heart hammering in his chest.

“Kai!” The nin’s body crumpled. Throwing his hair back, Iruka retrieved both tantō swords and trudged back to Kakashi, his body shaking with exhaustion. “That was close. I don’t see any more of them.”

 _Holy fucking shit._ Kakashi forgot about his pain and felt like he was floating. “I’m worshipping,” he said deliriously.

“Actually, I think you’re dying,” Iruka said, his voice laced with concern. He dropped down beside Kakashi. “Kakashi?”

Kakashi tried to offer him a grin, but there were now two Irukas that were fading to black. Everything began to tilt. “How about a date?”

“You’re asking me now?! …Kakashi? _—oh_ , oh shit. Medic!”

“S’fine, just need a nap.” Kakashi closed his eyes as the ground rushed up to him.

* * *

Dragging himself out of the muck of forced unconsciousness, Kakashi’s eye cracked open to find Tsunade hovering over him and the hospital lights trying to blind him.

 _"You,"_ he croaked.

“Oh good, you’re alive.” She grinned maliciously and poked at his ribs.

Somewhere on the ground, Ton-Ton oinked.

**Author's Note:**

> merry early christmas?  
> have another attempt a humor~!


End file.
